Wrote this in 2005. Maybe I published it, but easier to re-publish than research :)
I woke up this morning really wanting to work on the website. That's happening more frequently of late. Then the reality. It's been over a year and at least one computer crash-and-burn since I changed anything but this board. So here we are again, settling for speed over beauty.
It's been crazy-busy lately. Work almost to the point of numbness, collapse into bed, wake again, clean up, a little TV with Julie, sleep, at it again the next morning. Fatigue and pain. But the body comes around. One day, like today, you feel pretty good after only 8 hours sleep. Don't necessarily want to grab for the Aleve along with the coffee.
I got a little soft with Sergio around. He was so eager to do the literally heavy lifting. Then I couldn't work a lot as sick as Julie was. Sergio quit just after Christmas. Julie is -- knock, knock -- doing better. With a major career change, you never know the exact price in advance.
I like this work because it's fully engaging. Mentally, physically, creatively. Its hot and cramped, dirty too. But it doesn't hurt you, hard work, that's just a misconception of youth. I have pushed hard since I woke up work-wise around 30. During my career as a successful suit, I toughened up mentally and emotionally. Mostly, my youth supplied the stamina. At 60. that's long gone. Now it takes really physical work too. Never the elevator, always the stairs.
Really, its my strategy for fighting off death: As I age, work harder. So far the body and mind are responding. A life of hard labor wears out your parts, or so I have heard. Starting this late, I think the parts will last as long as I need them. Retirement kills people. That I know for sure.
This life might be healthier, but its really low on the glamour scale. That's been some adjustment for me. At day's end I'm really tired AND tend to smell like diesel and gym shorts. The suit was so COMFORTABLE by comparison. Look sharp, feel good, so easy to be casually intimidating in that armor.
Corporate life is increasingly risky past 50, that's not news. You may have more skill and better weapons, but your world is less forgiving, a little tiresome even. The casual bounty of youth, other people's now, can turn on you instantly. Trading crisp suits for dirty tee shirts? Really not that big a price for independence. The change is more superficial than it appears. You're not in the same game, but its just as much fun if you can keep playing at your level. Added bonus: fuck the politics.
New careers require new skills, which come in recognizable stages. Paying for the training myself put an edge on the process. Will I make it? Was this foolish? You know enough to stick with it until it works, but wonder if the seed money will last.
At first everything is new. Fumbling along, making it up as you go. Getting by on your wits, what books you can find, your education and tricks learned in past lives. Just wanting to work, needing that raw experience most of all. Then you get paid when you work, but work is hard to find. After some indeterminate, long, scary period you get reasonably busy but expenses still swamp revenue. At least you know its going to take.
You wait for the day when at least half of what you see is not for the first time ever. That's a big competence milepost. Eventually it's easier to get going in the morning. You're finally up on plane. There's more work than you can handle. You work more carefully too, paying attention all the time, now its a habit. No more cuts on your hands, no more nicks in the boats, no more tools in the water: more mileposts. I still hit my head on things, so there's room for improvement, but its been years since I stepped into an open hatch.
I'm actually making a living at this, finally. Not like before, but at least enough to pay off the credit cards. I've become a little choosy about the work I start. Some customers are put off by the rate. I don't try to explain it any more. People don't need to understand what it costs to perform at this level. They just need to pay promptly for what sometimes looks like magic. If they understand the value, you'll hear from them again. Anyway, its not as safe working for customers who don't think they can afford you. When you feel pressured to keep costs down, you make more little mistakes.
I've relaxed just a little. The work never actually gets easier. I don't think that's the nature of work. Anyway, its not how I play the game. But its less stressful, more fluid and natural. Another milepost. Four years in and finally, really, up to it.
