Child Abuse, Our Experience

Abusing anyone is always wrong. Abuse is repeatedly hurting someone weaker. The pain can be any kind. Once started, abuse continues because the weaker person often does not see the hurt as abuse. They may also feel helpless to stop it. We know from experience, from deeply buried pain.

We published the Letter to our Grandchildren yesterday because we thought it might help other children, children in much worse situations than we believe our own grandchildren to be in. The Letter is incomplete, it invites communication. Contact us, we're saying to our grandchildren. We'll help you figure things out if there is ever the slightest reason. We may not be able to help every child in the same way, but all of this post and yesterday's Letter may still be useful for other children.

We realized that our letter could be narrowly read to condone child abuse until age 18. No. Child abuse is always wrong. It is against the law. If someone regularly tells you that you are bad and must be punished, then you are being abused. If you are are being hurt repeatedly for any reason this is abuse. Talk to someone outside your immediate family. Sadly, sometimes your immediate family may ignore abuse for lots of reasons. Talk to someone like a teacher or walk into any Doctor's office or talk to any pharmacist. We believe anyone in schools or health care is required to take action in most states.

Julie did not even realize her mother had abused her until she told her second husband about it (me) more than twenty years later. We reasoned it through. I can recite plenty of details if you have the slightest doubt about our conclusion. This is the saddest part. Children will take abuse because they can be convinced they deserve it. “If your Mother says you are bad then you must be bad.” That is what Julie thought for years. No. It does not matter how anyone explains abuse away. Hurting is wrong, period.

Repeatedly hurting a child for any reason, anything at all, is always wrong and must be stopped. Julie's first husband, an alcoholic, abused her too. It took her years to finally escape. By that time she had three children. I had no idea how damaged Julie was, but she is healed, mostly.

Stopping abuse will not throw your life into ruin. Many years later Julie confided in her Aunt Margaret. Her Aunt said she would have helped Julie. Someone will help you – reach out.

There are lots of reasons Julie's mother may have felt angry toward Julie. We may be able to explain what went wrong. We might even understand. But that never makes it right. Julie and her Mother got past her Mother's anger by the time Julie was 34. They never talked about the past. Julie and her mother loved each other. Life is complex.

Some family members may not like to see this information publicized. But it was a long time ago, and we must tell our stories if they can prevent more abused children. Julie is still unnerved talking about these things that happened over 50 years ago. We must all deal with the facts, unwelcome as they may be. Abusing children is evil.

Julie and David Sheriff