The Letter to our Grandchildren

Hi Nathan, Jacob and Katy,

Grandma thinks it is time we started to develop some better lines of
communication with you. So she has pestered me to write this. Well,
not that I resisted, I just had to think about what to say.

This may be a new idea for you, but Grandparents can be very useful.
We accept you for whoever you are all the time. We never expect you
to be anything other than you. We support you. We are always
available. You can call or write or Skype or whatever. We are
extremely non-judgmental. We think you are terrific who ever you
decide to be.

Both of our grandparents were important in our lives. We are who we
are because of their example and support. Julie's two grandmothers
sent her a full set of household stuff when she ran away from home at
18 and married Bobby. Julie's mother abused her, verbally and
physically from age 10 to 13. She told Julie she was ugly. She she
yelled at Julie and told her she could not show any emotion in return.
When Julie left home, Julie's mother was furious and her father was
distant. Julie's Mother stayed furious with Julie from 18 to 34.
Frances was an angry woman. (they made up finally) Julie had no where
to turn except to her grandmothers. There are plenty of other stories
like this. I just wanted to give you an example.

We want to return the favor to our grandparents. We could never do
that in a meaningful way while they were alive. We were too young.
The way we pay them back is to be as good to all of you grandchildren
as we can be. We have no program, advocate no agenda. We're just
here for whatever comes up. What happens between us stays between us
if you want it to be that way.

We did not get a letter like this from our grandparents. It was a
different time and people thought differently. But we both think we
would have had a much easier time of it if we HAD gotten a letter like
this. Here it is.

Talk between yourselves at some point and make sure everyone gets the
letter. I don't know if I have the right email for everyone. I will
not write a letter like this again. This is the first and only. If
you don't understand something I write about, be patient. You will
understand when it is time.

We love you much more than you can understand. We did the best we
knew how raising one of your parents. You are the wonderful result of
our efforts, our nudges to guide your parent. We are pretty happy
with all of our children. We think you are very lucky to have good
fathers. In large measure, they learned to be good fathers because
David's father and grandfather were such good fathers. The skill gets
passed down when things are working at their best. You always have to
make a lot of it up on the spot, you never get it right every time,
but if I remember the place my father came from toward me when I was a
kid I have a clue how to raise you. Irving loved me so much. When
you love someone, you do your best for that person.

Grandparents are not as closely connected with the day-to-day bustle
of your lives. Your parents have hopes and dreams for you. They are
guiding you in the best way they know how. They care very deeply.
The stage of life you are entering, adolescence, can be very tough.
During this time you figure out who you are, you try on various
behaviors to see what works. Usually you are terribly insecure, not
because anything is wrong with you, but because you do not yet know
enough to recognize that you are just fine. What you are feeling is
normal, whatever that is. Parents sometimes are too close to the
situation to be neutral. Parents have ideas of who you will become,
but we very rarely turn out just as our parents wished. That is
because we become ourselves, not just a projection of who they think
you should be.

It is rarely a good idea to fight with your parents, although part of
the process of becoming an adult involves creating your own identity.
Sometimes that means rebelling against them in some way. You do what
you have to, hopefully with love. You know your parents best. Some
kids refuse to really talk about what is going on with their parents.
I was lucky enough to never get out of genuine two way communication
with your fathers when they were going through their teen years. We
could always talk, and we both think that helped. But we are us and
you are you. "Your mileage may vary," as the sticker says. We each
have unique, different lives. We each have the incredible opportunity
to decide who we will be as adults. From this point in your lives,
you could be anything. You will try out lots of ideas. You will
change your mind. You will be uncertain and may feel like walking in
Tibet. You will get stuck and unstuck. You will have the first loves
of your lives. By the way, you get over the breakup, because
eventually it usually breaks up because you change as people. But you
never forget your first love. Every love of your life, really. But
the first serious deal you never really get over. Everything for the
first time. I could go on for hours and write a complete book on this
subject, if I wanted to.

The point is, Julie and I were exactly where you are and wherever you
go. We went through every life stage you will go through. We have not
forgotten in the least what it was like to be your age. Julie and I
like to say that inside Julie is a shy little girl about nine who is
very innocent and pretty. The little boy in me and the little girl in
Julie are good friends. We are buddies and you could never pry us
apart. We have a rich relationship as adults, but we are friends with
who the other person was at several ages. This is something that can
take a long time together to develop, but it's a sign that it's real.

You will fall in love. You will think that you and your love will
somehow become one person. Almost everyone goes through that. It
never lasts because it is untrue. You are really different people,
would not be half as interesting as if you were the same.

Not volunteering information is not lying. You all look after your
own interest. Don't tell a fib, but don't spill the beans either if
the result will be bad. You may be accused of lying, can't prove it
until you confess, generally. we just see it as survival. This rule
applies all through life. What people do not know sometimes does not
hurt them. The instinct to share every last bit of your life history
with someone is generally a bad idea. Better save some things for
surprises later. Don't tell people things that will hurt them. You
will feel rotten later.

You will each carve out an independent trajectory through life, be a
person who never was before and will never be again. You will decide
things, be careful about decisions that limit what you can be or do
for long periods of time. What is fun for two years is not
necessarily fun for twenty. You will make what seem like horrible
mistakes. Keep it together and you will come out of it. Never be
with a violent person. Never stay with anyone who hits you. there is
a parental exception. Parents get to raise you as they think best
until you are of legal age. Your parents may get angry with you.
Handle it as best you can and try to avoid whatever triggers the
anger. Do whatever you need to to retain your sense of self-worth
and respect. You already do that, I'm just saying it is normal not
evil. At 18 you can change arrangements or not.

Please feel free to share this with your siblings in your own words
they may not understand reading it. You know the answer. They will
not understand much and you may not understand yourselves for another
ten years. hang on to this and other letters we exchange. You will
understand what we mean when the situation arises. Go easy on each
other, you will be a lot stronger watching each other's backs than
competing with and fighting each other. I have not written anything
that would surprise any of your Fathers. They know this is how we
feel and this is who we are. So you should talk about it. this is no
secret, this is how family works. If you sense you will get a bad
reception, then wait for a better time.

We claim the right of grandchildren and grandparents to communicate
with or without their parent's approval. We claim the right of
family.

Your Grandparents, Julie and David.

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